


Babysitting

by XaverianQueenChrissy



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Dysfunctional Family, Multi, inappropriate use of watermelon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-21
Updated: 2016-01-21
Packaged: 2018-05-15 07:00:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5776051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XaverianQueenChrissy/pseuds/XaverianQueenChrissy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Akiteru and Saeko decide to go on a much-needed vacation, leaving their two little brothers to look after the house and their infant daughter. What could possibly go wrong?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Babysitting

**Author's Note:**

> I came up with this idea a few months back while drunk off my ass and I've been chipping away at it ever since

“Okay boys, you two be good,” Saeko taunted, adjusting the sunglasses perched on her nose with one hand while the other gripped the handle of her suitcase.

The two men in question glared at her, making sure to keep six feet of space between each other, but she paid no mind, busy running checklists through her head.

“Hm, let’s see. I’ve got my suitcase, makeup bag, passport, cell phone, husband...husband!” she yelped suddenly, “Akiteru! Get your butt down here before we miss our flight!”

“Coming!” came the muffled reply, before Akiteru scampered down the stairs with his own bags in his hands. Kei tried not to groan at the sight of his brother in socks and sandals and a bucket hat.

“Now, I’m trusting you two with the baby while we’re gone-”

“A horrible decision, really,” Kei interrupted his sister-in-law, earning him a heavy glare.

“I expect our daughter to be alive when we get home,” she scolded.

Akiteru ruffled his brother’s hair, “come on, you and Ryuu were on the volleyball team for two years; this is only a week.”

“Nii-chan, with all due respect, we didn’t have to look after an infant.”

“Consider this practice for when you boys eventually become fathers,” he reassured the two, making his way to his impatient wife at the front door.

“Call us only if the house is on fire,” Saeko announced, dragging Akiteru out the door, “Aki-chan and I haven’t had sex since Hotaru was born and we need to make up for lost time.”

With a muffled sputter from Akiteru about how she shouldn’t be so open about that, the front door slammed shut, leaving two disgusted young adults standing awkwardly in the kitchen.

 

Almost immediately, the baby monitor picked up loud wails coming from the nursery upstairs.

“Aw fuck no,” Tanaka shouted, covering his ears.

“You’re going to upset her even more,” Kei scoffed, “I’ll handle her.”

“Like hell you’re rubbing your salt all over my niece!”

“She’s my niece too, Tanaka-san,” the blonde scoffed, adjusting his glasses.

“Yeah but your brother isn’t nearly as warped as you are.”

“...have you spent more than five minutes with him?”

“God no, I don’t interact with Tsukishimas.”

There was a dramatic pause filling the kitchen as Tsukishima put on a shit eating grin.

“Fun fact, Tanaka-san. Your niece is a Tsukishima.”

Unable to come up with a retort, Tanaka only sputtered in frustration as his brother-in-law made his way up the stairs with a sassy swing to his hips.

 

Kei opened the door to her nursery, crossing the soft carpet to her crib. The seven month old baby lay curled up in her crib, blonde curls sticking to her neck from sweat. He smiled endearingly in a way that no one would ever witness besides her.

“Hey you,” he cooed at the wailing child, chuckling at how her face turned blood red with every shriek, “why are you crying?”

He gently ticked her soft tummy, causing her to finally notice her uncle’s presence. Her cries calm down to sniffled hiccups, allowing him to gently wipe the tears from her big amber eyes.

“Did you want to see me that badly?” he teased, scooping her up into his arms. She squirmed uncomfortably before settling to gnawing at his t-shirt. As if reading her mind, Kei rubbed her small back tenderly, making his way back down to the kitchen, where Ryuu was cutting up bananas with a pout on his face.

“It’s about time for her supper,” he explained, holding up the excel spreadsheet Akiteru made up detailing her entire schedule.

“I figured,” Kei replied sarcastically, prying the girl off his shoulder and dumping her into her high chair, “she’s teething, too.”

“No worries, I know how to deal with teething babies!”

Kei raised an eyebrow but said nothing, leaving Ryuu to feed the baby.

 

* * *

 

 

“Tanaka-san.”

“Hm?”

“Why does the baby’s breath smell like alcohol?”

“Whiskey on the gums, it gets rid of teething pain.”

“........”

“...why are you looking at me like that?”

“You gave a baby alcohol, Tanaka-san.”

“Only a drop!”

“A drop is enough to destroy her liver!”

“Well what was I supposed to do? Let her cry for eternity?!”

Kei rolled his eyes, stomping over to the fridge where Saeko left several teething rings. He handed it to the woozy Hotaru on the floor, who took it and happily began chewing.

“Ta-da,” the blonde muttered sarcastically.

“Hmph, my mother used whiskey for Saeko and I and we both turned out just fine!”

Kei couldn’t control the loud snort of amusement.

“Fine, my ass.”

“Yes, my ass is fine indeed, thank you for pointing that out,” Ryuu grinned, thinking he had the blonde cornered.

Instead, Kei simply erupted into laughter, dropping to his knees and startling Hotaru.

This was going to be a very long week.

 

* * *

 

 

“Oh hell fucking no.” Ryuu groaned when he looked at their sleeping arrangements. Kei simply shrugged, pulling off his shirt to change into his pyjamas.

“We knew that they turned the guest room into a nursery before she was born, so either accept it or sleep on the couch.”

Ryuu wrinkled his nose at the idea of sleeping on the worn couch his sister found on the side of the road, so he reluctantly climbed into the small double bed their siblings shared.

“This is so gay,” he grumbled.

“Tanaka-san, I know for a fact that you gave Noya-san a blow job at least once while we were in high school.”

“That was a bro job! There’s a difference!”

“Uh-huh, whatever.”

Kei removed his glasses and climbed in on the other side, making a point to put as much distance between them as possible.

“Man, think of all the sex our siblings must’ve had in this-”

“If you trying to get me to sleep on the couch, it’s not working, Tanaka-san.”

“Fuck.”

Their backs against each other, they both eventually fell into an uncomfortable slumber.

 

* * *

 

 

It was only day 2, but Tanaka was beyond ready to throw in the towel. He had no idea how to handle infants, and like hell he was going to let his brother-in-law brainwash her into thinking he’s the better uncle.

“I’m taking Hotaru out for some Tanaka bonding time,” Ryuu announced.

“Where are you going? Alcoholics anonymous?” Kei replied sarcastically.

“Very funny,” he stuck his tongue out at his brother-in-law as he placed Hotaru into the baby carrier strapped to his chest, “we’re going to have so much fun, right Hotaru?”

“Try not to kill her.”

“She’s my niece too!”

“Whatever you say, Tanaka-san.”

Kei pretended he didn’t see Ryuu taking off down the street on his skateboard with an infant strapped to his chest. He really didn’t want to call Akiteru after Saeko announced their itinerary.

“Wanna go see uncle Noya?” Ryuu asked the baby, who was trying to figure out why they were going so fast to respond with much besides a look of fear.

“Man we’re going to have so much fun!”

Noya’s house was in the neighbourhood, so it wasn’t a far ride. He didn’t even bother to knock, just walked right in and announced his presence.

“RYUU!!!!” Noya shouted, vaulting the stairs, “YOU BROUGHT A BABY.”

“I’m looking after Hotaru for the week. Nee-san is on vacation.”

“Oh man, we’re gunna have so much fun! Asahi just bought me a new camera for my birthday!”

“PHOTO SHOOT!”

“Ryuu, oh my god, I have the perfect look for Hotaru. Take her shirt off.”

Ryuu complied, tickling the baby’s bare tummy and cooing as she giggled.

“Sit her up, man this is gunna be instagram-worthy!”

A pair of sunglasses on her face, a bandana covering her silky blonde locks, a bottle of beer between her legs, and a cigarette placed carefully between her lips completed the look.

“Take the picture quick,” Ryuu squealed, “before she tries to eat it!”

The flash startled her, so Noya was quick to take multiple pictures in succession to see her go from tough guy on the block, to terrified seven month old. The two men were roaring with laughter as they went through the photos.

“Oh man, I saw this thing on instagram,” Noya bubbled, “and it was like a baby, right? And the baby was inside a watermelon!”

“OH MAN LET’S DO IT!”

“ASAHIIII,” Noya shouted, echoing through the small house, “DO WE STILL HAVE THAT WATERMELON?”

“Why?” Asahi groaned, stumbling out of their bedroom with messy bed hair and still in his pyjamas.

“Important reasons!”

Asahi accepted his response, yawning as he made his way into the kitchen before returning with the large melon they bought at the market together.

“What are you two doing with it, anyway?” he asked.

“We’re gunna shove Ryuu’s niece into it!”

“It’s going to be awesome!”

The two men high fived, as Asahi shook his head and went back to bed. He was used to these shenanigans, and he was much too tired to stop them today.

 

* * *

 

 

“Tanaka-san, why does the baby have glitter stuck all over her?”

“Art, Tsukishima, but you wouldn't understand what that is.”

“Give me the baby, Tanaka-San.”

“You should check out Noya’s Instagram!” Ryuu suggested as he handed the glitter bomb over to his brother-in-law.

“...Tanaka-san, why is she sticky? Is that watermelon I smell?”

“Yeah she’s gunna need a bath.”

Tsukishima sighed heavily, juggling her on his hip as he made his way into the bathroom, making a point to slam the door shut to Tanaka would know he wasn’t wanted. Placing the baby on the floor, he turned the knobs on the faucet; carefully testing the temperature of the water on the underside of his wrist before allowing the tub to fill about two inches deep. In the meantime, he stripped her to her diaper and chucked her sticky, sparkly clothes into the hamper unceremoniously.

“What did your uncle do to you, huh?” he cooed, tickling her bare tummy and causing a squeal to escape from her.

Tsukishima removed her diaper and nearly doubled over from nausea.

“I take that back, what did your uncle NOT do to you that should have been done,” he groaned, heaving the soiled diaper into the garbage in disgust. Hotaru cooed softly, as though she could sense his frustration, lifting her arms up in preparation for her bath. He smiled, scooping up the baby and placing her in the water, allowing her to splash around happily while he gently washed her back, humming softly. He gently cleaned her of all the sticky glitter stuck to her skin, while she cooed happily, gnawing on her favourite rubber duck.

“You’re in a good mood,” Kei noted fondly, heart skipping a beat as she smiled brightly at him in response. She had her father’s smile.

He gently ran the washcloth over the soft tuft of hair on her head, causing her to squirm and shriek as the water fell down her face and into her tender eyes.

“You okay?” he asked, grabbing a towel and gently dabbing at her face. She blinked several times to get the rest of the water out of her eyes, fat cheeks flushed red from the warm water. Tsukishima smiled fondly at his niece.

“Come on, I think you’re good and clean.”

Laying the soft blue towel on the floor, he lifted the squirmy baby by the armpits before gently setting her down on the towel and pulling the cloth around her in a loose swaddle. Cradling her in his arms so she wouldn’t get too cold, he made his way to the nursery to prepare her for her afternoon nap.

Tanaka, meanwhile, was busy getting dinner ready for the two of them. The pork was simmering in the pan while he chopped the vegetables for Shoyu Ramen. It was when he was chopping up the ginger root for the broth that he heard something unusual coming from Hotaru’s bedroom.

 

_I believe that you were born during an eclipse_

_and the stars named you moon child_

_Then you come you rise into my sky_

_you stepped in front of my sun and it makes the whole world dark._

 

His hand slipped and he nearly chopped off his finger when he realized that the sound was Tsukishima. Creeping up the stairs, he peered into the nursery to investigate.

Sure enough, Tsukishima Kei was sitting in the rocking chair, with the freshly bathed and clothed infant in his arms, and he was gently singing in her ear as she drifted off to sleep.

 

_And you light up the night_

_just like the moon_

_just like the moon you light up the night_

_and sometimes,_

_sometimes I only get a sliver of ya_

_but I'm hoping_

_I'm hoping for a full moon tonight._

 

Tanaka’s jaw was on the floor as he watched his normally sour-faced brother-in-law smiling softly as he sang to his niece with a tender voice that probably came from baby angels or something. He was completely mesmerized; when did Tsukishima get so good at singing?

Why is he getting the weirdest boner right now?

**_BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP_ **

“SHIT. THE PORK!” he shouted, breaking from his trance as he barrelled down the stairs. He could hear Hotaru crying and Tsukishima cussing up a storm; the magic of that tender lullaby up in smoke.

 

* * *

 

 

A high pitched shriek over the baby monitor woke up the two men early morning on day 3, who both immediately groaned, shoving their heads in their pillows.

“You go,” Kei groaned.

“Fuck that, you go!”

“I have work in the morning, you go!”

“It is morning, dipshit.”

“Tanaka-san, it’s three in the morning, the sun isn’t up yet.”

“Come ooooon.”

“I’ll call your sister and tell her you set her kitchen on fire.”

Ryuu groaned, finally agreeing to roll out of bed.

 

* * *

 

 

Day 4 took a turn for the worst when Ryuu set the baby down to play but forgot to shut the door. The baby gate prevented her from falling down the stairs, but it still gave her free range to crawl into her parent’s room and explore her surroundings.

Kei grew suspicious after several hours when no noise came from the baby’s room. Setting down his book, he glanced over at Ryuu intensely playing video games.

“You put Hotaru in her room, right?” he asked.

“Duh, of course I did!”

“It’s really quiet…” Kei placed his ear against the baby monitor to hear nothing but still silence, “I think I’m going to check up on her.”

Ryuu rolled his eyes at his brother-in-law’s stubbornness, but he was only gone two minutes before a high pitched shriek echoed through the house, causing him to drop his game in shock.

“Tsukishima?!”

The shrieking never ceased, prompting Ryuu to hurdle up the stairs and over the baby gate; whatever got Tsukishima Kei to evoke this type of reaction had to be drastic. He spotted the blonde frozen in shock, pointing at the baby who was exploring mommy’s bedside drawer…

...oh my god.

Ryuu erupted in hysterics at the sight of his niece gnawing happily on Saeko’s dildo.

“OH MY FUCKING...I GOTTA SHOW NOYA.”

While Kei screamed in horror and disgust, Ryuu was laughing his ass off, snapping pictures and sending them to Noya, who could only reply with a long string of emojis. Neither one of them wanted to touch her latest teething...uh...rod.

“Maybe we should just shake her til it falls out of her mouth,” Ryuu suggested once he settled down and realized that this infant was chewing on a most likely used sex toy.

“You don’t shake a fucking baby!” Kei cried.

“Well what do you suppose we do, Mr. Baby Expert?!”

“Um, take it out of her mouth, for starters!”

“I’m not touching that! You do it!”

“Why me?!”

“Because if your brother was actually good in bed, my sister wouldn’t have to resort to buying toys like those!”

“...and what makes you think it’s hers?”

“Dude, it’s a-”

“-my brother is bisexual.”

Their argument died instantly, the only noise in the room being Hotaru happily gnawing on the silicone.

“We need to get that out of her mouth.”

“Don’t need to tell me twice.”

 

That night was awkward as they laid side by side in bed.

“You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much emotion from you,” Ryuu murmured. Kei simply grunted in response.

“I’m serious. I mean, I always thought you were so cold hearted.”

“How flattering, Tanaka-san.”

“How many times do I have to tell you to just call me Ryuu, jeez our siblings are banging and we’re still on a last name basis.”

“Please go to sleep and stop talking about our siblings like that.”

“Jeez, just stating a fact, I mean they have a fucking kid. They probably fucked in this bed-”

“Still not sleeping on the couch.”

Tanaka could only chuckle good-heartedly

“Goodnight, Kei.”

Kei’s face heated up at him calling him by his first name.

“I-uh-good night, Ryuunosuke.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Tsukki? Why is there a sex toy in the tree out front?”

The two men choked on their miso soup as Tadashi walked through the front door with a diaper bag slung over his shoulder and a worn stuffed dinosaur tucked under his arm.

“W-what are you doing here, Yamaguchi?”

“Aki-nii asked me to come and check up on you guys. He’s worried you two would set the house on fire,” the freckled man chuckled.

The two in-laws exchanged wary glances, praying Yamaguchi wouldn’t notice the charred stains on the wall above the stove.

Hotaru’s face immediately brightened from her spot on the floor, and she eagerly reached out towards him.

“You wanna see Mr. Steggy?” Tadashi cooed, holding out the stuffed dinosaur. She immediately took the toy and jammed it in her mouth.

“She’s teething,” Kei explained.

“I figured, she’s at that age,” Yamaguchi sniffled, dramatically wiping a tear from his eye, “they grow up so fast.”

“She’s not even your niece!” Tanaka grumbled.

“She may as well be,” Tsukishima retorted, “I mean, Yamaguchi’s probably closer to my brother than I am. Do you want some breakfast?”

“No, I’m okay, I grabbed a granola bar at Shimada’s on the way over. So, is anyone going to explain the new tree ornament, or am I going to have to call Aki-nii and ask him what it is?”

Tanaka and Tsukishima’s faces both heated up in remembrance of the day before.

“I told you not to throw it out the window,” Tsukki hissed.

“Maybe if you had taken it from her we wouldn’t have to explain to your boyfriend why there’s a dildo in the tree!”

While the two men bickered over how to explain the events of yesterday without sounding like they were neglecting the child, Tadashi scooped up the baby along with Mr. Steggy.

“Aren’t your uncles ridiculous?” he joked.

She cooed and grinned in affirmation.

“Come on,” he cooed, “let’s take you for a walk to see Shimada. Tsukki, you coming?”

“Sure, just let me get my shoes on.”

“Hey! I am trying to talk to you!”

 

* * *

 

 

Saeko and Akiteru returned early morning on day 6, quietly tiptoeing through the front door to avoid disturbing the slumber of the occupants of the house.

“It’s so nice to be home,” Akiteru murmured, “I missed the little one.”

“You’re such an overbearing father, we haven’t even been gone a week,” Saeko teased, kissing her husband as she set down her bags.

The couple tip toed up the stairs to Hotaru’s bedroom, but when they opened the door, they were surprised to find the nursery was empty. Crossing the hallway into their own bedroom, Akiteru and Saeko peeked in to find three occupants in their bed.

Ryuu was sprawled out on the bed, the sheets kicked off and his shirt ridden up to his armpits as he snored loudly. Kei was peacefully sleeping on his stomach with a vice grip on his pillow, somehow avoiding coming into contact with his brother-in-law’s limbs. Sandwiched between them is little Hotaru; a foot in Kei’s face and a chubby fist clamping tightly onto Ryuu’s ear as she snored.

“They’re so ugly,” Saeko choked out, failing to control her amusement.

Akiteru’s shoulders were shaking from holding in his own laughter, “go on, put Hotaru back in her crib while I make breakfast.”

Saeko crept over to the sleeping lumps, leaning over her brother to scoop up her daughter, tugging gently on her arm until she let go of her uncle. Though she did her best to be gentle so to not wake her, Hotaru’s soft hazel eyes blinked open, blearily looking around to try and process what was happening to her.

“Good morning sleepy head,” Saeko cooed. The baby’s head whipped around at the sound of her mother’s voice, smiling happily and cooing.

Saeko turned and smiled fondly as her brother rolled over, slinging an arm over an undisturbed Kei. She decided that she and Akiteru needed to get away more often, just to be able to witness their brothers finally getting along with each other.

“Did you miss me?” Saeko laughed, closing the bedroom door behind her as she padded down the stairs to the kitchen, “mommy and daddy sure missed you.”

“Dear,” Akiteru shouted from the kitchen, “you should probably take a look outside.”

**Author's Note:**

> ill probably add more to this later but ehhhh


End file.
